I’ll start out by telling you a bit about myself. I’m 40 years old, married since 1994 with two gorgeous kids – a boy and a girl in elementary school.
I started drinking regularly as soon as I could get it myself at age 21. Rum and diet Coke are my drink of choice and always have been although my penchant for alchohol of any kind really knows no bounds. If it’s there, I’ll drink it.
I’ve always been what I call a “functioning alchoholic”. I can hold down a job, business, take care of my kids, husband and animals and “I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan” as the song went. Or so I thought.
It seems the last 5 years or so, the drinking got heavier. I went from 2 drinks a night to 4 and I make them strong enough to be doubles so actually it was more like 4-8 drinks a night. I was waking up feeling crappy every day and unable to focus. Every weekend was a time to drink like a freakin fish and get the bare minimum done like clean the house and do laundry. During the week, I’d drink just enough to not remember what I watched on tv that night.
During this time, I cannot tell you how many times I made a fool of myself. Which brings me to my latest episode and what brought me here to my very first blog.
In late Sept, I decided to stop drinking my rum and cokes. I was tired of being tired and finally after years of prayer and asking the Lord to take the desire to drink away, I’d decided I’d had enough. A few weeks later, I found out my Mom (whom I am VERY close to) has Colon Cancer at age 58. This devasting news still did not break my will to stop drinking. She had her surgery to have the tumor removed and came out of it ok even tho the Doc told us it was bigger than first thought. After that it was a big waiting game for a week. She had the surgery on a Tuesday and we were told we’d find out the biopsy report that Friday. As it turns out we were also going to meet some friends out at a camping spot in the desert for some fun and riding quads with our kids that day for the weekend. We have known these friends of ours for about 4-5 years now. My husband worked with this friend “A” for about a year and they remained friends. I became acquainted with his girlfriend, “M”. M is heavyset, smart, and very quiet for the most part. To say she was a bit hard to get “close” to is an understatement. She’s one of those who never says “Hi” first and will say nothing when you walk up to her unless you speak to her first and MAKE her talk or engage in some sort of convo. M is also not one to ask anything like “how are you?” “How is so and so going”? etc…this makes the convo pretty one sided with me having to ask her the convo starting questions. She is also VERY controlling and has to be in charge of the situation always. She rarely busts out laughing at much of anything and seems to be disgusted with A a LOT. A is a bit wild with some habits like smoking, drinking and smoking pot. I am also wild like this and I think M finds it off-putting. She tries to tell A how much he can smoke, how much he can drink, nags him about his cussing, nags that he doesn’t help with the baby enough (even tho he works all day – she is in school at this time) and basically acts like a buzz-kill.
Anyway, back to my story. The Friday we left for camping, I was on edge wondering how my mom’s life was going to change (and how much of it she’d have left with us). The anxiety was so bad that I could not eat much, I was shaky and my mouth felt dry. Tho I had been on the wagon for a while, I asked my hubby to get me a bottle of rum and some cokes ‘just in case’. I was scared of having an emotional break down in front of everyone if we should find out that my mom is terminal (stage 4).
I should have known better. Everytime I go out to the desert to camp I end up drinking too much. This weekend was no different. Anwyay, everyone seemed to be having a fun time and I just needed a friend. I got all sloppy drunk and started in with the “I love you” crap to M and pretended I was trying to kiss her. I’m sick to death of her always being in control – especially of herself. I just wanted girlfriend to LIGHTEN UP a little and I guess I got too much in her space because she got all pissed and stomped off and hardly spoke to or looked at me the rest of the weekend. I wasn’t really trying to kiss her, just make her laugh. How dumb.
I am not gay and have zero attraction to other women – So was not a lesbian thing-just needed a damn friend is all. I got so shitfaced I never did tell her about what was going on with my mom.
The next night, I was in our trailer with my two kids eating dinner with them and having the rest of my drinky-poo when A barged in to rebuke me for being “annoying as fuck” as he so eloquently put it, right in front of my kids! I was feeling pretty low about my mom (I never did hear what her report was – that came later) and I really didn’t need to know or care about who was “annoyed” with me when I have my mom’s health/life to worry about. After he got done barging into MY living space, making me feel like shit for falling off the wagon (when he had a longneck in his hand) for bugging his girlfriend, while dropping F-bombs in front of my kids, I told him he sure is the pot calling the kettle black because he is “annoying as fuck” when he’s stone cold sober. In fact a few years ago before the baby came, they were over at our house every weekend (both weeknd days quite a few times) eating dinner (and sometimes breakfast) and staying ALL day long to escape the POS shit hovel they live in. Mind you this “living space” is less than the size of a single car garage which they choose to live in because it’s cheap. They came to our house to escape theirs and we welcomed them with open arms.
During these visits they both annoyed me more times than I could count. Him with his innappropriate, flirty comments (I never told Monica this out of respect for HER feelings) and her with her controlling ways (reprimanding my kids and going so far as telling me how to season our food “you didn’t put too much pepper on that, did you?”
I guess what pissed me off and hurt me the most is that A KNEW of my mom’s cancer. I told him of it when he was in the middle of his rebuke and not ONE word of comfort or “gee, Im real sorry this has happened”. I have no idea how many other people at camp knew about my mom, but NO ONE offered up not one single word of compassion. But hey, it’s no big deal until someone you love gets cancer, right!? I don’t know if they just didn’t know, or were too chicken shit to say anything about it. Probably the latter. Or maybe they just don’t give shit? Who knows?
After we got home, my husband took Monday off and we went to lunch while the kids were in school. I spilled the beans and told him everything about how I felt and of A’s flirty comments to me and the ‘rebuke’. I told him to just let it go and not say anything hoping it would just blow over, but later that day he called A and come to find out A did not remember telling me anything and if he’d been in his right mind, he’d never disrespect me like that. That Focker had been shitfaced and rebuking me about MY drinking!!!!!! Turns out M’s family got on his ass about not “protecting” her from me and that is probably why he did it. I found this to be hilarious and wondered what she needed to be “protected” from since she probably outweighs me by 80-100 pounds!
I have not talked to either of them since (but it’s not unusual for her and I. My hubby and A have a “bromance” going and call each other all the time-usually A calling my husband) and at this point Im wondering why I have put out all this mental energy/anguish thinking about what I did and being totally mortified/embarrased by it when I truly think my life wont be any worse off without them in it. I lived 36 years without them and I should survive another 36 just fine. I wish I could stop rhuminating and actually believe what I know to be true. Maybe this is just part of the trial and tribulations one goes thru to stop drinking. I guess time will tell…..I just wish I could stop feeling like this and most of all just let it go and stop thinking about it.
I have to learn to pick myself up and dust my self off and move on. What is done is done and I can’t take it back. I have a feeling I am being harder on myself than anyone else would. I acknowledge that M was an innocent bystander in all this, but fuckin A she needs to lighten up. If she thinks less of me for this, then I guess there is nothing I can say or do to help that.
By the way, we found out mom is a stage 3B colon cancer and will be starting chemo very soon. She is scared to death of going thru this. This will be a blog for another time….